Melbourne!!!

Well I sorta just got back from a four day holiday to Melbourne and I have to say I had an awesome time. The only problems I can think off are we needed more people and more money. I haven't really blogged in a while so I should at least write a fair amount tonight. Well recently at college I've starting liking some girl who absolutely has an amazing body which I know is weird but seriously its really hot. She doesn't believe me that I think this but she can think what she likes all I know is that I like it ;) hahaha. Well anyway its been a while since I first starting having my eyes glued on her and basically things have moved lets just quicker than I expected and I guess in Melbourne we almost went too far too soon. Luckily we didn't get to that step which deep inside I'm sorta thankful for. Like I'll admit she does get the blood running downstairs and maybe a little too often at times. I dunno really as a guy I shouldn't be thinking like this but this is what I want and something I must keep in order to fulfill a promise I made to someone I loved dearly. I want this relationship to last with her. She cool. Shes got a license, drives me insane, lets me look at other girls and voice opinion (strange I reckon as I haven't met anyone like this but the upside she's also different), Different, can hold her drink, loves her shopping, and gosh does she love to  torment me and best of all a personality I could seriously die for. Those three little words that I wish I had the guts to say to her would be weird because I guess as soon as I say it I'm gonna start using it loosely. I really should be sleeping as I'm meeting up with her at 7am tomorrow. Meh, I;m actually starting to enjoy blogging away here. I haven't really told a lot of people about my current relationship status because I have certain people in my life that will fuck it up for me so basically the less people know about it the better it is for them and for me. I guess I learnt the first time after some girl I used to like decided ...actually she didn't decide shit and let her friends do all the work for her basically she could never make her mind up about the relationship and I did because of the fucking fake messages her slutty friends were giving me. So basically things didn't end nicely. I got hurt hard and I still cop the blame. Anyway back to the happy side of life. Few nights ago in Melbourne I had a D&M with her and and this wasn't a normal D&M. This one is the kinda one you keep to yourself and that one person and came straight from deep deep down. I mean I finished in tears from it. Seriously I haven't been like this since my dad passed 2 years ago and you know. I actually feel more closer and more open to her. I'm still at that stage of I dunno or should I?. I wanna build it up to the stage where you know you can do anything (well not anything) and be sure they (partner) are not gonna get upset or chuck a monkey poo over it. I wish I had lucky charms then I would get one and give it to her LOL. Too bad the only one I've got is a number....No. 12. Today on the plane she passed me a parcel (M&M's) haha. I thought about doing the freight train but I don't think any of us are talented enough, and M&M's aren't the best for this. Skittles are so much better they got more slide to them. FUCK ME DEAD her bestie thinks I'm a sweet talker...FML...wtf is a sweet talker. Honestly I'll admit I like to flirt because it's fun and I've grown up being like this, but sweet talker? thats just fucked ROFLMAO. Oh well not much I can do. Like I rather Sweet talk as it is so called then just be normal all the time. Like yeah normal is fine but its boring and C'mon flirting brings out laughter and I love to make people laugh and smile. I absolutely hate it when people have the shits or are upset especially when its over me. Anyway I'm off to bed. I shall blog soon hopefully. chow

kate :)

Well, Im in Ingleburn library right now and bugging of kate. :) such good fun. People should come and join me. Dont worry it costs nothing to bug her off.

If you really liked a girl and she was taken would you tell her? ever been in a situation like this before?

Well so far in my short life.... I've only really liked 2 girls and they both weren't taken. If they were taken then yes I would tell them, but in saying this I wouldn't tell them either, really it would depend on our past and present relationship with each other. I have had those little crushed for girls who have been taken before but other then that I don't think I have ever been in this situation.

Great...

Well today was a alright day I guess. I got up early messed around with Harison for a while then ended up going out to see Steph...it eventually turned into being Steph and Alvin. It turned out Alvin lost his wallet on the train...so instead of thinking me and Steph have some alone time to catch up we travel to all corners of the city rail network to find his wallet. We eventually found it at Campbelltown station.. I guess the  reason my day was bad was because I saw Steph and Alvin together and from the stories I've heard about Alvin it ain't good for Steph. but I don't know if these stories are true or not seeing as I barely know the guy. The thing is I can't see him not doing these things. Well I think my judgement on all this might be clouded by the fact I might have feelings for Steph which have been blooming and dying out since the end of high school. We went out a couple of times and we got really close and then I don't know what happened... I thought we were moving to fast and I wasn't to sure with my mind. I still had other issues in my life at the time. I didn't make it any better a couple months ago when I drunk as and I went on MSN and started chatting to her. I screwed everything up between me and her. We didn't speak up until 2 weeks ago when I turned 18. It's all to confusing for me. Ever since my dad passed away all I wanted to do was to find someone and settle it....but in nows day and age it seems to be impossible with all the shit that goes on in the fucked up world... I might just go sleep on it..

Why did I pick that for...

 You know those decisions you make and then so time later in the near future you go why did i do  that or choose that for? Well its taken me about a month to think it through and yes I'm making one of those decisions which I may or may not agree with later on. As you may or may not know I really liked this girl I use to go school with and lets say it got messy both ways with both sides of the party fucking up but me fucking up harder... kinda sucked. Which is another one of decisions I made and went why the hell did I do that for... I guess I can't just keep hanging on to her when things/feelings will never go back to  the way they were before the crap. Anyway yeah its for the best I hope.

On the other hand, I start University on Monday at The International College Of Management Sydney based at Manly. Hopefully I'm not stuck in class with idiots and fags roflmao. So yeah next week gotta be at the Uni by 8 everyday for the week, Which is gonna suck....

Aussie Day was on Tuesday, Headed of to Cronulla with Taylor (Best mate from cricket) and met up some chicks. Whole day I pretty much got hammered for looking like one of the girls friends apparently we could be twins rofl. Anyway that day was good came back and had a few drinks to finish the day and watch the fireworks on my roof.

Well wuick update on the goods and the bads... I could be playing as high as AA2 Adults comp for soccer and the bad is I'm currently talking to like 10 girls.... What The Hell ==" The one I want to talk to takes forever to reply and it just gets annoying so I'm not bothering to say hello anymore... I don't know what the problem is because we used to talk like everyday for hours on end and all sorts. Now its just .... dead.. meh...

Had a massive fight on the phone with mum today... It was all over my Dads will.. and seriously it got nasty because mum went back to her stupid attitude that I'm mentally retarded and don't know fuck all just like my dad. As soon as she said that I was gonna kill her if she was in front of me. Seriously how much lower does she want to go with this, For Gods sake Dads dead and Your still giving me and him a hard time about him being a dumbfuck... and having some mental disease in which doctors have already proven fucking that he doesn't have it. On countless occasions as well. Only problems with the bastard was he had a slight hearing problem (like 15% deaf) and he had melanoma's.

Does it make sense?

I think I'm still in love with this girl....

Well its been a really hectic week for me. Started off last Monday with my Year 12 formal which was friggen awesome. Then we had an after party which went on till 6 in the morning. I got really smashed and crashed by 4am. All I remember last from the party was I threw a bottle of bourbon out the window. which apparently by that time I was off my head. Tuesday I was still feeling the party late in the afternoon. Tuesday night I headed off to be on air (radio) with Ivars and Abel and another mate of Ivars. Wednesday I slept all day and then headed of to soccer. My team is a bunch of 17-18yr olds and we are playing in a division full of premier league and state rep players. Wednesday night we did something unbelievable and beat one of the premier league teams 6-4. We were 3-0 down at half time.  That was a hectic night. Thursday night was the same but i was refereeing and we ended up having a freaky ass storm kill the night off. Friday I headed off the school to sign out and then I was off to my mates to MW2 till scouts at night. Saturday I had a really long day standing in the sun playing cricket till 6pm. Then I headed off to Andrew's 18th and man did I have a good time. I got really smashed and I was drinking till 7 in the morning. I ended up sleeping at 730am. Sunday morning I was spose to be at Birrong pools teaching kids about water safety and how to swim. I rocked up about an hour late and still feeling the party in my head. I don't know how none of the kids didn't drown while I was off my head. Sunday afternoon I was repairing the trailers at the scout hall with Bazza.

So there was pretty much my week of hekticness and man it was a week. Probably gonna have more parties to get hammered on soon. :)

Hurts Too Much

Hurts Too Much

"StarSailor"

We all get burned sometimes

lately i've had mine

Starts off in your mind

Runs right down your spine

We all get hurt by love

When you've had enough

Cracks all start to show

Sooner than you know

And it hurts too much

I'm letting you go

I'll walk these wet streets

Somewhere alone

We all get taken in

By dreams we'll never be in

Problems that we face

Soon will be replaced

And it hurts too much

I'm letting you go

I'll walk these wet streets 

Somewhere alone

And it hurts too much

I'm lettin you go

I'll walk these wet streets 

Somewhere alone

You looking for something

You already know

I'm down upon my knees

I see you're ready to fall

I'm down upon my knees

I see you're ready to fall

Fine....

Today was just absolutely fucking shit. Morning get up at 6.... FUCKING 6 to help my uncle out... then was spose to be heading to Villawood for 1030... I'm just about to get there and then change of plans... We were then gonna meet up at 12.... When we finally all met up... We discovered that the camp we organize has to be cancelled because of fucking lame transport issues.... So now the camp that I was planning on having is now canned because of some pathetic stupid reason of transport... Problem was we left organizing to late... After this I was going to a friends party... We talked on the phone before and I said as a joke because she invited someone that sometimes I don't get along with, To stick the party up her bum... she took it seriously... and decided to fuck me off.... HOW FUCKING STUPID.... She knows me so well she knows I joke a lot and she takes this seriously... and even after that she couldn't even have the guts to tell me not to come up.. instead let me turn up and get her friend  to tell me leave...She knows she can tell me not to come, its not like I'm gonna full rage and shit at her, I've got to much respect for her....I seriously have no fucking idea what the fuck was running through her head at the time. Honestly if she seriously took that much offense to what I said I was willing to apologize to her face and then leave.. but no she didn't even want to do that.. No matter what tho even through all this anger I still see her as a great friend... and Am willing to make it up to her.

After all this crap I ended up heading home to find out no-one home and me being locked outside in the fucking heat for a hour and a half....

Today I wasn't even ment to go anywhere. All this shit happened because I promise her I would try my hardest to come to her party. Normally today I have cricket but because I've busted my finger I couldn't play. So I decided to go to her party... and she does this to me... Her friends telling me to call her later and apologize.... Not like she will pick up.... And if I message her... Not like she'll believe it anyway... So here I am fucking depressed about a good friend..... All I wanted to do was have a great time and celebrate her 16th....

Im more awesome she said!

Cindy Tan said I'm more awesome than her :)

Now the latest...

Well got my suit the other day looking quite smick in it as well. Didn't think I pull it off but I did in the end. Modern Warfare 2 came out as well and I have to say its so fucking bloody awesome. Too bad the single player story line missions were short and with a weird ending. Must me a Modern Warfare 3 coming out then . OMG can't wait for that to come out then.

Today we had referee's presentation night/AGM and man it was boring as hell. Me, Haz, Nik and soem other mates decided to have fun with all the cups that were given to us to drink from but we didn't need. We came up with some stupid things such as face masks and Playstation controllers to towers. We also became evil doctors and swap the heads of two jelly babies. We were acting the goat for at least the whole 4 hours. Greatest laugh and joke I've had in ages with anyone.

Coming up I've got Formal, camp and interviews at Manly which will be a pain in the arse to get to. I'm not quite organised for formal. Completely disorganized for camp and interviews are soon and I haven't even booked yet. Oh well, Looks like I'm gonna be busy these next couple of days.

My pinky finger is still in the shape of an L. Which means Its been like this for just over a week now. Looks like I'm gonna have to see a doctor about it. The amazing thing about it is I seriously can't feel anything in it. I know its not broken.  The only thing I can think of why it's like this is because I've busted a nerve in it. Awesome much?

Signing out of school life forever on Thursday which will be interesting as I don't know what I'm going to do if I bump into to certain people .... I reckon I should just run with the flow. See what happens and make quick decisions when the time is right.

The only reason our world revolves is because humans must hate. Why? Seriously everywhere you go you hear of hate in some manner. It's stupid. I know I'm one of those hater type people but I hate the right things, such as young kids acting as if they are twice their age and as if they were king shit and the world revolves around them. Seriously sometimes I think the world needs a big smack in the face to realise how stupid we have all become. Why am I ranting on about absolute shit I have no idea...

Chow!

Stepping stones.

Well, I've given my head a week's worth of time to think things over. I've work out that if things need to get better I need to talk to someone in particular. Hopefully this will heal some wounds and re-establish connections between old friends. Then in which I'm hoping will rise into bigger and better things. If this doesn't work out I don't know what will and I'll know one thing for sure I've probably thrown away the bestest friend I could of asked for. So basically I should start sorting this horrible mess up by the end of the week.

Heading off to city in the morning to pick up the suit! Woot!

Anyway gonna go hit the sack! David said hello as well ! :)

Suit Up

Well Friday I hit the town for a suit. Ended up finding a SABA suit worth $500. That was just jacket and pants.

Total:
Jacket $360
Pants $140
Shirt $90
Tie $60
Belt $50
Shoes $150

All up : $850

Here's a Picture of the suit!

Lets us know what you think :)

Unanswerable Questions......

Just over three months ago I decided to stab myself so deep the pain would hurt me for a long period of time. I tried various methods to overcome this pain with none of them being successful as I still feel the pain stronger than ever after today. I don't know why I stab myself in the first place. Why did I chose this path? Why did I do what I done? Was it because I was feeling anger to myself? 

Sometimes I wish I could travel time and make things right again but that wish would be impossible. All I can do is to help build my future but every time I try, I fail because of this burden I placed on myself. Why do I feel so much pain? Why haven't I felt like this before? All these questions place in my confused and unsettled mind get thrown aside into the unanswerable pile. 

The question that sits on the top of that pile is: What are my feelings?.....

Noobs...

Well I haven't blogged in a while because of various reasons such as HSC. So far so good I've done 5/6 exams. Only got PDHPE on Friday then I'm done. Man, 6 months ago everyone was full stressing out about the HSC because it was gonna kill us all and all sorts BUT we are prevailing and all the hype about it is bullshit. The best regime for the HSC I reckon is my method. Sleep at about 4 in the afternoon the get up about 12 - 1 at night. Study all night then head off to exam. Before exam just relax leave your notes and just listen to music or socialise. BTW the HSC supervisors are super friendly and very layed back they aren't as strict as think they might be. Like they let us bring in wrapper food. I had STARBURST!!!!! XD. Like as soon as we finish we start talking they don't mind. The rules about No movement in the last 15 minutes is nothing to them so you can still go toilet and leave if you want. I have to admit they are pretty good compared to others I've heard about at other schools.

This time of the year I'm normally through the week playing summer soccer at Camden or around Campbelltown but this year I'm not. Instead I'm playing cricket on weekends and I'm a spare player for summer soccer. My normal team decided not to play me as I might cause problems this year as I play a little rough. I can see where they are coming from as I've broken two goal keepers noses this year in winter competition from belting a ball. Anyway crickets going good so far. I've played two games and already have quite a very good average with the bat, I've got some wicked catches like those solo moment things on TV except better. Bowling has been the bad part about my game. In training sessions I'm ripping apart my team but for some reason in games I bowl heaps crap. Oh well.

The worse thing about leaving school is departing the daily regime of seeing your best mates from 6 years of being dickheads or just plain having a great time with each other ;). Like for other people it might be easier as they sort of live a lot closer to each other then me. I live half a world away. :( That's why I decided along with some convincing from mates to go to my Yr12 formal. Although it will make me broke even more it will be worth it.

These last couple of days has been really funny with our school doing Duke of Ed hike and they got washed out hahahahahhahahahaha. I seriously think I should go on one of these hikes and show them how to do it. LOL. All I can say is noobs. =D They have to go and do a competition hike called Dragon Skin. I've been to 2 going on to my 3rd and in these hikes it always rains. We have to walk around in rain all day, then set up our tents in the rain then we have to cook in the rain. Seriously by this time everything is wet like there is nothing dry. If you were dry you were cheating. :)

N.E.R.D.

HSC starts in a few days gotta continue studying... WTF am I blogging for???

Graduation

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! After 14 Years of education its finally come to the end. WOOP WOOP. I can't believe I'm graduating in like fucking two days. I'm seriously gonna miss school. I know I hate school but theres gonna be some things I'm gonna miss about it. Too all my friends I've made over the years at Sefton I'm gonna miss ya all. Anyway we got our Year 12 concert and muck up day tomorrow. Holy fucking hell its gonna be awesome.

Time flys when your having fun!

Have you ever had something and just threw it away. Well thats all I seem to do with my life. Just throw everything and anything away. Been thinking lately about everything and yes I mean everything even global warming... I don't know what it means but everything I want right now I've already thrown away and I know I can't get it back unless by some miracle. Theres some things I can try and Re-establish where I left off but it will be hard and time consuming. I'm finishing school soon and I've got some really big decisions to make about my life. Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Who do I want to be with? Meh so many questions with no answers at all or some with answers which are virtually impossible. I NEED A FUCKING TIME MACHINE. I think back to something I said to someone which killed my relationship with her. I realized that what I said will actually happen to everyone else when I leave school. I know this will happen because I'm getting busier by the day. I don't get time to talk to much people. I barely go online nowadays (I haven't blogged in about a week and a half). Theres only a few people I'd love to stay in contact with but I knows theres one thats impossible. Gosh I hate myself because of all this shit. Why do I do this to myself? I have to be the biggest dickhead out. Some of my mates tell me that I should go talk to them but whats the point. Anyway the last week and a bit been running around organizing stuff for this weekend Children's Festival in Bankstown. Watched District 9 with Tim and Julie this week and it was friggen awesome. Words can't describe how good it was. At the moment I'm in Cabra-Vale park blogging away while watching Primary kids and some hot arse teachers play sports. Never been more peaceful or relaxed. I'm supposed to be at the scout hall working last minute things but I forgot the keys so I'm sticking around till about 3 which sucks because its still two whole fucking hours away...

The more the merrier as they so say...

Have you ever had too much of something whether it be toys or clothes or something like that. Well they say the more you have the more happier you will be. In my case I hate having too much of anything. For me its money and attention from people... Kinda sucks. I know most guys would kill for the attention that I get but honestly I tell them don't get your hopes up because it sucks. I've tried various methods to lower this but I can'r e.g. dying my hair something stupid but it didn't work. Money is the other thing I have too much of. I have enough money at the moment for me to pay rent and a mortgage on a house and still survive on about 20 bucks a week. Before I purchased the house I seriously was throwing my money away. I hate it. Your probably thinking why don't you give it to me then. Well, I decided its my money and I'll spend it getting something nice for you or doing something useful with it. If not that then I'm impulse buying crap I don't even need E.g. $250 Raybens. The saying might go The more the merrier but for me its not the case....

The red pill or the blue pill?

Haven't blogged in a couple of days. :)

Saturday I had my first primary school (Canley Vale Public School) reunion/open day thing. Met up with some old mates and caught up with old teachers and along with mates went around trying to pick up some of the new student teachers. They had on display school photos right from the year the school first opened and I decided I would try and find a picture of my dad. Turned out I unsuccessful. :( Sunday was a long hot day refereeing Premier League Girls Semi Finals. The whole day I was pretty much in the sun baking in the centre of field chasing around after 22 very fit and attractive female players. End of the day I was suffering from Dehydration and sunstroke. I'm still feeling the affects of it 2 whole days later. The game I reffed in the centre, the team that lost weren't happy with my decisions in the game (obviously) and decided to report me to Football NSW. I told them to go for it seeing as Football NSW were already there and were happy with the way I referee the game. The manager kept going at me after the game but I kept ignoring her. I was going to file a report against her but no point because Football NSW were there and are witnessing everything. Some people are so stupid. This manager told me by the end of her report I'd be fucked over. I told her by the end of mine you won't be near a soccer field ever again and smiled. Gotta love being a smart arse. The whole weekend been thinking about a few issues that concern me and its left me kinda confused and unknowing of the choice I have to make. All I know is the choice I make will eventually hurt someone like every other fucked up decision I have to make. Kinda sucks making decisions that mean the world to people....

Monday we got our Yr 12 jerseys, well jackets, and they look pretty flash and a few people had a few flaws in theirs but mine was fine. Few people were saying it would of been better if we could of put anything we wanted on the back of our jackets because our names look gay compared to the other schools. I agree but my last name looks pretty good on the back. I don't know but it looks in place their compared to other people last names such as NGUYEN and LY. Only problem with the jackets is we got them too late like its summer now and we getting our jackets, how convenient.... would of been better if we received them earlier in the year possibly before winter then the jackets actually be useful. Today I went to  Eden's place after school and messed around their for a while. Then headed for cricket training. Didn't stay long at training. I wasn't in the best shape so I had a solid 30 minute session in the nets and went home. Friday is the teacher Versus Student Euro match and the score is 3-0 to the teachers, so this game is pretty much do or die for the Students. Gosh I need to hit the pools soon....

Pure Awesomeness

At Eden's place being totally awesome!!!!

Healthy Habits!

Red Bull, Chips, Confectioneries, Lack of sleep, Instant food, No exercise, Booze, Soft Drinks, Coffee, Ice Cream and Chocolate isn't really the best way to live and eat your life. Right there I have just describe my habits for the last two weeks and I wonder why I feel so shit lately. Well I hadn't been to school in like a week and I finally came to school yesterday and I honestly don't know why but I felt as if I was the new kid around. Yr 12 concert is soon and been talking to a few mates and we might get an act going but so far we might not be. I won't say what kind of act we might do but I'm positive the children and teachers of Sefton High will love it. Well today started alright then it degraded to shit and then it degraded further into diarrhea..... Kinda depressing actually. I don't know why people try to avoid the truth, seriously whats done is done. You can't change whats happened the only thing you can do is move on and except whats happened and suffer the consequences. Anyway, Got nominated for state titles again but this time down on the south coast. Got to go some meeting on Sunday night to find out the details and whether I am going or if I can go seeing as I have HSC coming up soon and a lot of organizing for the scouts coming up. The other day I saw a statement by someone which actually got a chain of thought happening about an incident a while ago but thats another thing I'll keep to myself. Been thinking lately that I need a new hobby away from RC's (remote control race cars), I thought maybe I should get back into to DJing seeing as I loved doing before and I didn't know why I stopped but oh well. Only thing I need to do now is update the music list. Currently scabbing music off everyone and downloading heaps. hehe. At the moment I estimate my UAI maybe around the 50-60 which for me I quite happy with seeing as I would be the first in the family to ever get a HSC. My dad always wanted his HSC but couldn't because back in the day he had to drop school so he could work to support the family. Kind of sucked actually but the stories he use to tell me sounded like he was having fun everyday of the bloody week even at work but work then and work now is completely different. Not long now till my life is pretty much sorted out because right now it's a bloody mess....

Short but sweet

I'm really really sleepy and tired! Long day, very thoughtful and decisional. Right now I wish I could leave everything behind me and start fresh...

My awesome superpower! Laziness!

BBBLLLUUUURRRRGGGHHH!!!

:( Been sick these last couple of days. So I can't be bother blogging so bye mofo's!

Just some random jokes! :P

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company,Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."


A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize on the bottom shelf"


A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!" The doctor asks, "What's your problem?" The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'...give the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another screw......." "So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???" The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"


Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads. "Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us." The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing." The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing. "Moooo ..... Moooooo ...... Moooooooon River .......!"


Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, "will I have to go home and come back now?" he ask. The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" as she processes his social security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."


A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "Fuck no! Do you know anything about lighting gas stoves?"


One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor,a beautiful blond girl, entered his house, woke him up and said, "What is that between your legs?" He replied that is "my bird." He went back to sleep. She came back later and said, "What's that furry stuff around your bird?" He replied that's "my nest." So he went back to sleep. She came back later. "What's those two things under it?" He said those are "the eggs." She said, "Okay, can I play with your bird,and he said "ok." When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the hospital. He saw the little girl and asked, "what happened?" She said, "When I was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I chopped off his head, burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!"


A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. "How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk snapped. "But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."


While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine. Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"